I have no idea what I want at the moment. Either way I hurt someone close to me as well as my self and multitudes of friends. God I feel like some cheap whore at the moment, if only I knew that Rob wasn't dead, this way Andy wouldn't hurt every time Rob gets brought up. I know he hurts too because I see the look on his face and the way he shakes at night trembling clutching me saying that I'm leaving him... I want to kill myself so that I can't hurt anyone any more. At the same time I want to hold him and tell him how much I love him and I do but I don't want Rob to be lurking in the background...I don't want him to pop up in the middle of things when I least expect him... I don't want to still love him with my whole being because it's not fair to Andy.